WHERE HAVE ALL THE CHILDREN GONE?

"Do you have children"? people ask me, this is asked usually as an icebreaker, for something to say whilst waiting in queues, on a bus or where ever I find myself next to some one for any length of time. You also know this one "nice weather/awful weather/hot weather/rainy today" etc. But to the first question I answer "yes, 3 girls and a boy, in that order" I see them in my minds eye, the girls blonde and blue eyed and the boy darker with brown eyes. The images are fresh, the children are small, sometimes babies are clear in my mind as if they might come bounding, toddling or crawling past me at any moment, so clear is this picture in my mind. I can easily join in the conversation with others.

Then the next question brings me back too earth with a bump - "how old are they"? I stop dead in my tracks because, you see, my children have children of their own now.

It is a long time since I have seen these little people. It seems they just suddenly disappeared one day.

When they were babies I was constantly working with them, feeding, bathing, plating, carrying all the time, even through the night, more with some than with others! They bacame toddlers and wanted to investigate everything, were inquisitive, danger stalked them, I was their minder and safety net now as well, they depended upon me for all their needs. My involvement with them was all encompassing.

They became school children, more able to detect danger, and to take on certain responsibilities as well. They were gone all morning. Once school acrivities began I saw even less of them. I was now guiding and teaching them values. They had chores and began to take responsibility for themselves and also helped around the house.

Their personalities were so different one from the other, we were 6 different personalities trying to live together, learning consideration, tolerance and sharing. They also knew more than I did and would rather take the teachers word for anything! "Mom, you will NEVER understand", or how about "I didn't ASK to be born" thats to send a mother on a guilt trip, or "I'll be home a bit late today" (I can make my own decisions).

They leave school, home, and go to college. They phone or write when they think of you, they have discovered a whole new world and are busy with studies, friends and socialising. You have now been replaced by their friends!
As a mother you just pray that you have done a proper job with these precious tots loaned from God, and that they will make right choices in life.

Me? I get on with my life now, I have new interests and hobbies, I think back and smile at the many memories I have. There is always a story to be remembered, reminders surround me. Sometimes I shed a tear for babies grown and the buzz of a noisy and hectic family life - this is simply empty nest syndrome if any mothers are in that place, and it does pass!

As they go on to get married and have children, make new friends and go through the whole cycle I have just emerged from my life also changes. I enjoy different things.

But now when I am asked "do you have any children" I return to that time and place so long ago when as tots they needed me constantly, because THOSE little people are the ones I REALLY know intimately. Now I ask myself "do I know these young people?" I don't know their likes and dislikes as I am not around them every day or even every year any more. I will never know my grown up children as I knew I baby children. I love them deeply, their faces are unchanged and are still lovingly familiar, their voices the same. I have also learned many things it would seem! They are wonderful friends to have. How many mom's see young children in their minds eye when asked about them?

They still lurk in the corners of my mind and jump out at me from photographs. If I were granted one wish, it would be to steal back just one chaotic day with these little blonde tots with ALL their nonsense. I would call my mother to join us, she was the BEST gran and very involved (but that's another story for another day!}and I would savour every moment of it!

MY SILVER LINING

The hour is late, and quiet descends on the small block of flats in which we live as families one by one turn in for the night, after a busy and eventful week. The corridors do not ring out with the laughter and cries of small children as they run after one another in play. In their world, for the majority anyway, they are carefree and happy. They interrups their busy schedules often to visit me while I carry on with household chores, smiling, grubby little faces of all races, all friends and not seeing beyond that. They always want an apple, they know I ALWAYS have apples in the fridge! They shriek with delight as Bokkie the parrot shrieks at them for intruding into HER domain (everything is hers remember) the noise rises as they all try to outdo one another. At this point I cannot but imagine what my mother, who has VERY sensitive hearing would make of this crazy world I live in! The children - they would delight her, but the BIRD, I fear she would smother as we are all tempted to do at one time or another.

People here come from many different walks of life and working mothers are dependant upon other mothers as childcare is way outside their earning capacities. Most of them pull together in these difficult time and help where they can.

It takes me back to a time many years ago when we were living in a war torn country and starting young families. Most, if not all of the men, were called most of the time.

We were living in Salisbury in our first home which was in a young community, and for 5 years, as our children were born, grew and were added onto, we found outselves more often than not on our own, and we too pulled together in a way I have not seen women who live in times of peace pull together.

It was an unspoken arrangement that at 4.00pm ON THE DOT everyday someone would start to stroll around the block with a baby in pram and probably a toddler on a tricycle. As she proceeded, others joined in until we were a huge group of young moms, babies and toddlers, leaving our lonliness at home, laughing, reigning in wayward toddlers. Fractious babies enjoyed the walk in the prams out in the open.

We would then decide which home we would stop and have tea at before disbanding and going our separate ways to bath, feed and bed tired but happy children.

Over the years our little group grew in size and numbers. For just l hour of every afternoon we were not worrying about the safety of absent fathers, being a 'bush widow' and facing parenthood alone wasn't quite so daunting.

That was the silver lining of my life for 5 years. I will always cherish them.

After emigrating to South Africa I found that I could live in a neighbourhood for 3 years and not even know my neighbours name, so busy were they with their lives. In fact, I never got to know what they looked like even as everyone had 6 foot walls around their houses.

My son was born at this time and I made sure that he too had his afternoon walks around the block in the late afternoons. But we did it alone.