I see the innocence in your eyes. I see trust in your eyes.
I know that you are in a good place and it pleases me much that you, when there is so much suffering in the world, have me, who adores you, takes care of you and above all can make all bad things go away. To make you feel safe. It is very important that a child feel safe. Safe from all the hurtful things life throws at you. I am the barrier between you and your teacher, you and bullies, you and anyone else who may hurt you in any way. I have that responsibility and I take it very seriously.
I am your shield. and the magical kiss fixes everything!
As you grow up I have to let you go. I see you fall and know that for your sake you must get up on your own.
You are fighting for independence and I have to watch you stumble, fall, get up, and learn to face your own fears and fight your own battles.
It is like having my heart walking around outside my body. I am the fearful one now.
I have for a long time been muddling around in a mother's nightmare. So much for the confidence I had when you were all little! There are things I must helplessly watch. Things that happen in your lives that bring you great pain. I always saw myself as the bubble wrap enclosing a fragile parcel.
But I cannot take it on myself. I wish I could. My role as protector is finished now. I am now your supporter and will do the best I know how, but it is never enough.
I step back because I know that you must be prepared yourself and in your own strength for every eventuality in life. You need to stand alone and succeed.
Watching you become parents has probably been the worst of all. I sometimes have crazy thoughts like 'if I had not had them I would be saving them from all this'.
Stop right there.
If I had not had you all, and veer from the negative and to the positive, what a different picture I see! Happy and beautiful moments! Shared memories! You are all part of who I am, of who your father was! We have shared life, we have shared death.
We have been able to comfort one another.
Would I change any of this? NO, NEVER, NOT FOR ANYTHING WOULD I CHANGE IT!!!
