It has taken me some time to write this post, because before doing so I have had to do a lot of soul searching. Going from fear of the unknown to acceptance, and having to really look inwards and ask myself where my faith line is. How do I shape up to the faith Isaac and Sarah had in God.
Not well in the beginning I'm afraid. I have asked many questions of God over the past 13 years of my life and waited for answers. There are many things we just will not understand this side of heaven, and accepting that is faith.
But today, in this moment, I understand many many things that I was blinded to before.
My marriage of 25 years ended 13 years ago. I remarried and my exhusband remarried.
My way of life changed from one of being sheltered all my life to one where things were a lot harder and and I have had to hold my own among people I had seen through the safety of the televesion screen in 50/50 and on 3rd degree! Those worlds certainly do exist, there are drug lords, drug addicts, alcoholics, neglected and abused children, same sex marriages and sex workers all around me.
Circumstances have forced my husband and myself to live among them on Durban's beach front. No, we do not live as they do, I have asked God many times why He has brought me so close to this side of life, and seen the faces of these poor people.
They have accepted us, respect our values and ask no questions.
During this time God has been strengthening me, made more accepting of others and less judgmental. I do not fear the streets of Durban day or night, I have become a survivor, and a much stronger person than I ever was at any other time in my life.
God in his wisdom was preparing for harder times to come, and as He is already in our tomorrows only He knew the neccecity for this.
Two weeks ago, my husband went to work as usual and 3 hours into the morning, he just fell off his chair. He had had a stroke. At that moment, in front of me was a tunnel with no light at the end of it. Being State patients, we have to rely upon ourselves a lot, so I managed to get him to the hospital which, mercifully is only 2 blocks away. The process was long and tiring. Finally a diagnosis was made, it was definitely a stroke. He had lost the use of the right side of his body. He could still speak at this time. A CT scan was done, hours later we went home.
He is in a wheelchair and has lost his speech.He is not aware of it even. On 25 August we are to go to Albert Latuli Hospital where the CT scan will be read by a cardiovascular specialist and we will have a better idea then what to expect.
Every Tuesday I take him to physiotherapy, speech therapy, then group therapy for stroke patients and their caregivers, it is like a support group.
IN THE MEANTIME we have to work on tecniques. How to get from the wheelchair to the bed and back again. That one he has mastered. He doesn't hit the deck any more! Because when he goes down so do I. I then have to find a strong willing neighbour to get him off the floor for me and upright! We don't bump, roll or trip down the stairs anymore. Yes, our senses of humour are returning! a plus. We have devised our own language too, l hand squeeze for yes and 2 for no. The nodding and shaking of the head is not perfected so that still leave me in doubt as to whether it is yes or no. After battling to understand a sentence I have suggested he just give me 1 key work, I'll figure out the rest. It must be very frustrating for him as he knows what he wants to say but cannot communicate it. The process of elimination is also used.
My eldest daughter and son-in-law are paying for the hire of the wheelchair, bless them. As far as his work goes he is still being paid but there are many uncertainties which normally assault me in the dark of the night. I play the "what if" game. How long will his rehabilitation be? How complete will it b e? Will our rent be covered? We need to live near the hospital, right where we are as the hospital is withing walking distance, staying independant is important, everybody has their own lives to live and not many easier than ours.
We are surrounded by caring people who willingly help get up and down stairs. We only have showers so that is still a work in process. BUT, I thing we got it RIGHT this morning, I didn't drop him on his head or jam, us into the cubicle.
Sleep?, well, its broken like when I had small children, that comes back quickly!
O P R A H ! ! !
But seriously, I see now how I have been prepared for this, I have the strength of body and mind to overcome it.
One day Andy will walk holding his head high once again, of that I am certain!
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